What can I do to minimize the impact of my separation and pending divorce on my children?

Children are afraid of the unknowns, so keeping them informed is important. Kids need to feel empowered as much as possible, and communication is key. To open the doors of communication, try asking them what they want in relation to visitations and lifestyle changes that will inevitably occur. The power of choice is critical to their feeling more secure. Becoming a skilled listener is invaluable for you. Try listening to your kids' wishes and then repeat exactly what they have said to you, so that they feel especially heard, understood, and appreciated. Lastly, pointing out some of the benefits to having two households can be a softening agent worth exploring. We have all been somewhat hypnotized into the belief that divorcing is just terrible, therefore paying attention to the positive aspects is wise.

My new wife can’t stand my former wife, and my kids are feeling torn. What can I do?

Blending families is a labor of love; it will take patience and trust in the goodness of the human spirit. To succeed, each family member will need to become skilled in wearing the other person's shoes. When we take the time to look at things through the other person's perspectives, we gain insight and compassion. Further, I suggest working with a family mediator who is skilled in building bridges between family members. In the meantime, try to encourage the women to communicate with each other, so that they can gain insight into each other’s roles. Also encourage the kids to explain to each "mom" how they feel, and share that they like/love both mother figures in their life. Try to detour actions which make the children feel as if they need to choose one or the other.

My wife and I have been battling each other over matrimonial property and have a trial date set. Is it too late to mediate?

No, mediation is still an option. You and your wife are the decision-makers up until the judge offers his/her decision. It is at that time that you have lost the power to control the outcomes most suited to your needs. While the judge will listen to the evidence and attempt to make a fair and equitable judgment, statistics show that in most cases one party either feels they are not fairly remunerated financially (sometimes this is, in fact, so), or not given the access and care involvement with their children they deserve. When we choose to litigate rather than mediate, we surrender our power to determine the outcomes best suited for our spouse and ourselves. I therefore advise you to find and work with a qualified mediator. Clearly, if you have not been able to agree on what is fair, you need help. Struggles in divorce mirror power imbalances felt in the marriage. A well-trained mediator can help to stabilize these imbalances so that a settlement can be negotiated.

Why should I choose to use the path of mediation for my divorce?

For many, the choice to mediate instead of litigate is indicative of the wish to remain the decision makers and to stay in control of the outcomes of important situations in their lives. Many couples considering divorce do, in fact, have the insight and wisdom to direct the outcomes most suited to their specific needs. Through the mediation process, we facilitate a space to communicate each partner's wishes and then draft the documentation necessary to execute their plan. Mediation, especially transformational mediation, is less expensive than litigation. It is a kinder, gentler, and more empowering process, since it is founded upon the belief that you and your spouse do know what is best for you, your children, and your new financial future. Where family members have conflicting wishes, a skilled mediator can help find a middle ground that is mutually supportive. And if you are unsure of the choices you need to make and how they will impact your life, we connect you with those who can provide the information necessary to help you make wise, caring, and supportive decisions.