Nurturing Intimacy
Excerpt from The New Marriage Paradigm
by Moreah Ragusa

The soul yearns for moments of intimacy. And the authentic self within us all is magnetically drawn towards any opportunity to be intimate, not just physically, but emotionally and communicatively as well. Through the act of intimacy, we are unveiled, revealing our unprotected, unlimited, and unbounded radiant self. For this reason, intimacy is the dance of the soul, yet sheer treachery to the ego.

Intimacy occurs whenever we are courageous enough to dissolve our protective boundaries—anytime we are not consumed with the desire to be better than another. It occurs in any instant we choose the position of vulnerability over being defensive. In the decision to be intimate, we choose our macro–identification, rather than the micro-self. We override the need for control and protectiveness, and instead choose transparency and openheartedness.

The courage to be intimate comes from changing our belief and from understanding that transparency and vulnerability do not equate to a threat of injury or loss to our real self. Intimacy is not a show of weakness, nor indicative of a powerless person. Rather, it is a sure indication of an emotionally matured, integrated personality. Our socially programmed idea that intimacy is to be experienced only with those safest or closest to us is in need of change. Because intimacy is a violation to the ego, both individually and collectively, strides taken towards its accomplishment will require patience and compassion. Because the very idea of intimacy is a threat to our ego person and thus our autonomous self, we spend more time avoiding intimacy than embracing it. The truth is that we can be intimate with everyone all of the time, if we truly understand what intimacy is.

Affairs of the Heart - What to Do When You Are in Love With a Married Person
by Moreah Ragusa

I don't think that anyone sets out to fall in love and become intimate with a married person, but it does happen all the time. As a therapist, I see it frequently. An affair is bound to shine the light on everyone involved, and it will inevitably illuminate any "cracks" in a matrimonial union that one needs to see, take responsibility for and hopefully repair.

Whenever I sit across from a person engaged in a love triangle, I open my heart in compassion. I see that he or she is usually consumed by guilt, overrun with pain and confusion and literally torn between two lovers. I begin by saying that being in love with two people is not really a "sin." In fact, I offer as an insight that the affair can be used to uncover the issues and unmet desires of everyone involved. Affairs ensure that everyone can review themselves and their relationships and move towards the relationship they deeply desire - and deserve. A love triangle can be Love's way of waking us up to a hunger we have been denying.

So, why do you fall in love with someone, married or not? I believe there is a primary reason: we are magnetized towards love, searching for connection and deep intimacy. We are seeking someone who loves what we love, who has values common to our own, who can feed our emotional hunger and who will communicate about the inner workings of his or her being, while also listening to our inner processes. At the heart of the matter we want to be with someone who thinks that we are fabulous and who appreciates all that we are - the good, the bad and the ugly.

If for whatever reason our yearnings are not being met in our committed relationship, we will unconsciously go looking for this. Since from a soul perspective love is unbounded, free and unlimited, all people (regardless of the "human" commitments they have made to another) are lovable and open to interaction.

From the perspective of the soul, falling in love with a married individual is not necessarily a tragedy or a sin. In fact, it can be at times the only thing that will cause a person who is "falling asleep" or becoming complacent within his or her matrimonial union to wake up and do some deeper heart searching and life reviewing.

We must be careful in the assumption that to interact with and then fall in love with a person who has made a promise to love someone other than ourselves is a tragedy. The heart knows no boundaries; our values and our ideals do. But let's not confuse values and ideals with love; they are safety nets.

Now, some will argue that commitment is an aspect of love. Love is committed to itself and to all of life. Love and life (not to be confused with living) are synonymous, and they are all inclusive. I usually say that love is not an exclusive proposition, so if we are committed to love we are "safe," but our commitment to a person will usually only last if we are getting something in return for that commitment. Is that love . . . or barter?

Most individuals who find themselves in a love triangle soon discover that they have become torn between the head's ideals and rationalizations and the heart's wisdom. The heart can love more than one person at a time, but the ideologies we have adopted say, "No way! Pick one."

At this point, depending upon our security (fear) factor, we will choose either where we feel we will be "safest" (meaning, most comfortable) or where we feel we will be most able to live in the honor of our heart, the doorway to our inner wisdom.

For more people than I can count, the big question is, "Is this love or infatuation?" I wish I could get a dime for each time this question has been posed. There is another question one might consider asking: "Is it really love that I have with the person I am already committed to?" It may well not be. You could discover that in fact you are not in love with either person!

Some people confuse love with security and safety - you know the known! This is not love. You know you are in love when you do not possess, when you get fed by loving another, and when you do not love just to get something in return. Love is its own reward.

If you find yourself in a love triangle, ask yourself, regardless of your placement within the threesome: How does this serve my soul? What is it about the person I love that is so attractive? What is it about this person that I do not like? What does this person offer me that seems so valuable? What does my future feel like without this person in it? And lastly, what is it that I have been hungry for? In answering these powerful questions, you will be well on your way to seeing why you (your soul) have attracted this dynamic into your life. Without judgment, allow it to be, and trust that it is the doorway to a better life.

Love is uncompromising and will force you to get honest. It will crack open every relationship you are in, to see if love truly dwells within it.

Welcoming Change
by Moreah Ragusa

With the changing colors of the leaves, the cooler mornings, and the "anyone's guess" of what temperature the day may turn out to be comes the awareness that we are entering the fall season. This time of change instills feelings of amazement of how gracefully and effortlessly Mother Nature changes her apparel, showing off her beauty and bounty for us to enjoy. So, why do so many of us find change so frightening?

I believe the answer lies in a spiritual truth that we all intuitively know: If something, no matter what it is, changes, then it is by definition not real, because it is not constant, eternal, and stable. It is thus an illusion, falsely conveying the impression of stability and constancy.
When we are not persuaded by what our perceptual senses report back to us, which is that things appear fixed, constant, and stable, a sense of wonderment arises. The truth is the earth is not flat, the planet is not stationed still in space, and the ground and sky do not merge as it appears to our eyes when we look off into the distance. Even the human body, which appears to be fairly constant in appearance, is an illusion.

In A Course in Miracles, we are taught that what is constant, eternal, changeless, and unbounded is us! It is our authentic identity as Spirit, Supreme Intelligence, and Love that is real. Given that this is true about us, is it any wonder that we often initially recoil at the thought of change? I think it makes perfect sense!
What is also interesting to note about change is that when we allow the wisdom of our hearts to be the initiator of the called-for change, it dissipates fixed fears and attitudes and produces outcomes that will ultimately serve the greater good of all individuals affected.

I believe this to be true because the changes we are willing to embrace in our efforts to become fully human, meaning fully self-loving and self-aware, bring with them an intelligent "attractor field" of love and opportunities that all may benefit from, if they desire to.
If I am honest in the review of the countless changes in my life-especially the ones that were initiated by my heart and not my ego-I will have to admit that each change created an orchestration of events and opportunities that over time built a stairway upwards towards even greater opportunities.
This upward phenomenon occurs because we are in reality loving, abundant, truthful, and compassionate in nature, and we do ultimately "stage" our lives towards our awareness, acceptance, and appreciation of that identity.

The next time your heart whispers that there's a need for change, welcome it as Mother Nature does, move forward with trust in your authentic self's wisdom, and celebrate the opportunity to get even closer to your highest and most fulfilling life experience!

Children’s Guardian Angel
 By Moreah Ragusa

How would your early years on earth have been different if you had known that no matter what happened, and wherever you were, you had an angel standing beside you, and you were never really alone? How much more confident would you have been knowing that your angel was encouraging you to grow and learn to realize just how beautiful and smart you were?

Now consider how your adolescence would have been different if you knew this same angel was telling you that your worth was beyond your imagination, and that you should never sell yourself short? Furthermore, that this Being always reminded you that the reason you were on Earth was so that you could make a difference in the world? How would such a messenger increase your self-confidence as they reminded you that you need seek no one’s approval except God’s? What if they also told you that because God made you and therefore knew you completely, He approved of you no matter what you thought you might have done or said to usurp the identity that He had created you to be?

How would your early adult life have been altered if you absolutely knew that there was a Being of Light by your side whispering to you, “You can achieve anything you can conceive of?" That this same Being reminded you always that the only thing in your way was self-doubt and a limited understanding of your brilliance and creative ability?

From the time this discovery first illumined my life, I have been encouraged to search and find out more about how the awareness that we have a constant guide and companion profoundly alters our life.

As a young child growing up in what would be considered a deeply dysfunctional family, I learned to listen and talk to God and the Angels. Since my parents were unable to fulfill traditional parental roles in my life, I turned within for guidance. To this day, I believe that I survived emotionally, physically, and psychologically because of the strong bond I had with my Angels.

Today, in my work with Angels to help countless young children, adolescents, and young adults navigate their way through adversity, I am repeatedly humbled by the impact of the Angels’ unconditional love. For the child who first discovers and then
learns to communicate with their divine friend, the empowerment and new choices they uncover are immensely inspiring.

Repeatedly I am taught about the power of God’s love for us through observing how deeply these messengers comfort and care for us. The angels have also revealed to me that they have absolute faith and confidence in our ability to achieve all our heart’s desires because of our divine identity as children of a Supreme Divine Presence.

From witnessing the transformation in the lives of young people who have begun to communicate with their guardians, I have gained complete confidence in the power that is offered to a child in knowing that they are never alone, and that they are deeply loved and cherished.

In the children I have coached who are feeling trauma and stress as a result of their parents’ separation or divorce, the evidence is unquestionable. Teaching staff, parents, family and friends, as well as academic grades all testify to the remarkable success and reduced emotional stress shown by the children who are supported through being given a voice to speak out about their fears, and then empowered to create changes through prayer and communication with their angel.

In children suffering from substance and food addictions, and those who have low self-esteem, the results are extremely consistent. For these kids, feeling in control and valued is a prerequisite to their success. Since real power and inner authority come only from knowing who you truly are, the call to a Being that is certain of this unassailable identity achieves perfect results. Because this Being has as its prime objective our remembering of our birthright and our unquestionable value, the outcome is certain. Therefore, any child, and even adults, will be benefit greatly from re-establishing the relationship with their Angel. All that our Angel needs from us is the willingness to learn to listen and to trust the still small voice within. So, go ahead, ask, and then listen to one who is certain of your worth.

Each and every day, I am deeply grateful for these companions, for their abiding love for old and young, and for the confidence in us all that they exude. How precious we must be to have such Divine Beings watch over us always!

What You Must Know About Your Assets BEFORE You File for a Divorce
by Moreah Ragusa

Making the decision to get a divorce takes time and is often accompanied by feelings of fear, anger, guilt, defeat, and sadness. This is understandable, but not necessary. If you change your outlook on the experience of divorce, and strive to remain open-hearted and open-minded to the many opportunities that naturally accompany divorce, you can actually use the experience to make the changes you know you need to make to have a more fulfilling life.

When getting a divorce, many of us do not consider that sometimes leaving our marriage can wake us up to what we have needed to do all along. Divorce helps us to take stock of our life, and pushes us to tend to the issues that we have been denying or avoiding because we are either afraid or uninterested in dealing with a particular arena of life (parenting, finances, fitness, career) that we feel less competent in, but that really does need some of our attention.

In as much as divorce is a time of completions, it is also a time of new beginnings, which include creating a new financial picture. Before you begin to allow fear rather than reason to take over, and you begin staging yourself to become the opponent rather than ally in protecting the matrimonial assets from your ex, you should find a chartered accountant whom you and your future ex can trust.

BEFORE you even file for separation or divorce, you and your spouse should get a clear picture of your financial house. Become versed in what the true value is of the matrimonial property you shared by getting realistic appraisals on all the matrimonial property you jointly own, including businesses, trailers, cars, boats, art, and any other assets; oh, and don't forget the pension plans!

In many marriages, one of the partners is more financially educated and confident, which may cause feelings of fear and suspicion to foster in the less confident party. If this is the case in your situation, take the time to allow the spouse who is in need of some additional financial guidance to get it BEFORE the discussion of division occurs.

If your accountant is not well versed in the potential tax implications of the division of your assets, consult with a professionally trained tax accountant who is confident in advising you.

After you have worked with professionals to determine what your real asset and liability values are, find a qualified divorce coach or mediator to facilitate your next step: how you can best make the decisions of dividing your assets fairly, with the minimal tax implications, and most creativity, to ensure your money stays in your bank accounts and not the lawyers.

The next step to take on your divorce journey is to determine if you and your ex need independent legal counsel; this varies from province to province and state to state. If independent counsel is required, make sure you find two collaborative lawyers who have a history of working well together, and who are happy to advise you, rather than litigate your file.

To learn more about how to care for the kids' needs in divorce, and to be educated in the needed attitudes and negotiating tools to create the new divorce paradigm, please pick up a copy of my book The New Divorce Paradigm.

Is It Time to Leave Your Relationship?

I can’t begin to share with you how many times I have been asked the million-dollar question,
“How do I know whether it is time to leave this relationship or keep working on it?”

The answer varies for each person, and deep inner searching is vital. In part, your answer depends on two primary factors:

* your level of unhappiness and dissatisfaction, or the outward “pull” you feel to leave
* your honest conscious self-exploration of feelings, beliefs and behaviors

Professional experience has proven to me that depending upon an individual’s level of commitment, and to what or whom, the question can be simple or complex. The answer to “Is it time to leave the relationship or stay and work at it?” can be clear and obvious or clouded by fear and ambiguity. Why so?

Well, I think it has a lot to do with our beliefs about love and commitment, success and failure. My discovery shows that for many, the answer is eclipsed by what they believe about love, its meaning, responsibility and purpose.

Another belief we must explore is that leaving the relationship is indicative of success or failure. Most people are quick to jump to the conclusion that completing a relationship is a sign of failure. I am not. As a long-time student and teacher of the internationally acclaimed spiritual text A Course in Miracles, I am far more inquisitive and open-minded to the soul’s goal for the relationship, rather than to the ego’s goal.

From the perspective of the soul, one enters every relationship to see and celebrate the beauty, completeness, wholeness and innocence of the Real Self in another, and thus one is able to see the same in oneself. Conversely, the ego, which is founded on belief in scarcity, comes into a union to get that which it believes is missing.

So how do we know when it is time to leave or stay in the relationship? In all honesty, I cannot count the number of times that I have asked myself this same question. And I can assure you from personal experience and from watching couples complete their unions that when you know, you know. After such clarity, and when the knowing comes from your soul and heart, you feel calm and peaceful with the answer. This peace is present even though there still may be pain from the loss of the dream of what may have been. The peace is also present in spite of the uncertainty of how and when the decision or knowing will be acted upon.

Once you do know that it is time to allow the “dance” to end, a space of certainty begins to envelop you. For some, this happens quickly, and for others, it takes weeks, months and even years. I have experienced them all! However, the knowing part of you is patient, gentle and kind, and it waits for the perfect moment to say the words to your partner.

For me, the knowing comes with a feeling of fulfillment and a sense of completion, and some joy with the recognition that a partnership was successful in soul terms. If this is where you are at now, then the “clock” of completion has started “ticking” towards your new life. If it is not where you are at, let me see if I can help you become clearer through exploring the following questions I pose to individuals in my private practice.

Ask yourself:

* What are my top goals, values, priorities and dreams? (These are identifiable by where you spend the most time, energy, money and effort each day)

* What are the top goals, values, priorities and dreams of my partner? (Ask yourself, does he or she read a lot or always watch sports? Is financial freedom a must? Do the kids’ needs come before all else? These are pointers to what makes your partner happy.)

* What past hurt or resentment am I hanging onto?

* What is preventing me from communicating with my mate openly and honestly?

* What do I need in order to overcome my fear of sharing my feelings?

* What do I think I’ll gain by leaving the relationship?

* Can I look my mate in the eyes and say, “I love you completely and I have done everything to make our partnership great”?

* What is the personal goal, desire or dream I want to have fulfilled by my partner that he or she seems unable or unwilling to fulfill?

* What is a personal goal, desire or dream my partner has that I am unwilling or unable to fulfill?

Answering these powerful questions will offer you insights to support either the move towards building more intimacy within your union, or the clarity on the potential need to accept the completion of your union. Remember, the ego always has us believe that it is better “out there,” so don’t leave a relationship with that as the illusion!

Meditation Improves Children's Confidence and Security
by Moreah Ragusa

Do you have a child who suffers from feelings of sadness? Is your little one insecure? Are you woken up regularly in the middle of the night to your child's crying and bad dream stories? Or is your child having difficulty making friends and relating to peers? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are not alone!

Many parents don't know that meditation is as beneficial, stress reducing, confidence building, calming, and balancing for children as it is for adults. Surprisingly, children can meditate with far less effort than adults, and if they are introduced to meditation at an early age, just as I was, the long-term benefits are phenomenal!

All children are born with a sense of belonging and feel as if they are loveable and deserving. However, when the unavoidable harshness of life takes over, and cruel children, grumpy and unkind adults, violence, and fear touch our children, they metabolize these experiences and they become insecure and afraid. Many children feel isolated or unbalanced, and misbehavior, nightmares, and tears are the end result. Meditation illuminates these powerfully upsetting feelings when it is done 4 times a week for 15 minutes.When we are able to relax and calm the mind through visualization and playful imagination, we open ourselves up to a deeper part of our mind and to our authentic nature. Our real nature is to be loving, creative, joyful, playful, childlike, and brilliant, and if your child is not exuding these qualities, then imaginative guided meditation to an inner world of love and playfulness is the first step for them to take back their real and confident Self.

For more information about kids mediation visit cloudjumpingforkids.com

Parental Alienation Syndrome

 What is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)? 

The term “parental alienation syndrome” (PAS) was first coined in 1985 by Dr. Richard Gardner, a child and forensic psychiatrist, to explain a destructive family dynamic that he observed in high-conflict divorces. He defined PAS as “a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent’s indoctrinations and the child’s own contributions to the vilification of the target parent” (cited in Major, n.d.).

 In PAS, one parent, either the father or the mother, or sometimes the new partner of an ex-spouse, attempts to alienate the child, or children, from the other parent. The process is manipulative and is a form of psychological child abuse. The goal of the alienating custodial parent is to restrict or eliminate access to the child by the other parent.

 It is important to recognize that not all instances of a child’s rejection of a parent following divorce are due to parental alienation syndrome. A child may very well reject a parent, even before a marriage breakup, based on that parent’s actual behavior. As Dr. Gardner wrote, “Unfortunately, the term parental alienation syndrome is often used to refer to the animosity that a child may harbor against a parent who has actually abused the child, especially over an extended period. The term has been used to apply to the major categories of parental abuse, namely, physical, sexual, and emotional. Such application indicates a misunderstanding of the parental alienation syndrome. The term is applicable only when the parent has not exhibited anything close to the degree of alienating behavior that might warrant the campaign of denigration exhibited by the child” (cited in Wikipedia, n.d.).

 Although PAS is not yet officially recognized as a syndrome by the American Psychological Association, it is now acknowledged in the courts of law. However, there are certain criteria that must be met in order to distinguish between PAS and the common loyalty conflicts that occur in children of conflictual divorcing parents. PAS cannot be considered an operative process if a parent is seen to be attempting to alienate the child from the other parent, but the child is not successfully alienated.

 Bone and Walsh (1999) list four criteria that must all be clearly present to identify potential PAS:

 1.      Access and Contact Blocking. This criterion is positively identified when the alienating parent (AP) actively and consistently blocks access or contact between the child or children and the target parent (TP). Excuses for blocking visitation can range from declaring that the TP “unsettles” the child, to extreme allegations of sexual abuse. The AP can also deliver the message that the visitation is “inconvenient” and, therefore, just an errand or an annoying chore. The TP is not considered an important family member, and over time, the child’s relationship with the TP is destroyed.

2.      Unfounded Abuse Allegations. Untrue or unfounded accusations of abuse must be clearly and consistently present for this criterion to be positively identified. The most common expression is emotional abuse, which may, in fact, simply be differing viewpoints on the part of each parent. For example, one parent may let the child stay up later than the other, or the parents may not agree on appropriate activities for the child. In either case, the AP may accuse the TP of practices that are “detrimental” to the child. In the extreme, the AP may falsely accuse the TP of sexual or physical abuse.

3.      Deterioration in Relationship since Separation. Healthy relationships between children and their parents do not deteriorate without reason; they must be attacked. If a parent and child have a close relationship before the parents’ separation, and this parent clearly tries to maintain this relationship afterward, but the child no longer wants to see the parent, then this is a strong indication that the process of parental alienation is in operation.

4.      Intense Fear Reaction by Children. The most basic human fear is that of abandonment. In PAS, the child lives in fear of displeasing or disagreeing with the parent with whom they live most of the time and on whom they depend most—the alienating parent. The AP puts the child in the position of having to choose between parents, while continually testing the child’s loyalty. This puts the child in a state of chronic upset and fear of reprisal. The AP may appear to support visitation plans, all the while subtly (or not so subtly) denigrating and criticizing the TP in front of the child, and threatening the child when he or she does visit. For example, a child might report to the mother that he or she had a good time at their father’s, so the mother suggests the child go and live with their father, threatening, however, that if they do, the child won’t see her again. The child sees that this threat isn’t carried out, yet the fear of abandonment is instilled. As a result, children who live under these conditions no longer think for themselves or follow their instinct of wanting to visit with the other parent. They refuse to visit the TP and begin to internalize the AP’s criticisms of the TP. Purely for survival and to keep the peace, the child begins to tell lies or exaggerate, for example, reporting only bad experiences at the TP’s home.

 The Alienating Parent (AP)

 Mothers and fathers can engage in parental alienation syndrome (PAS) behavior, although women seem to do it more frequently. Men tend to go about gaining control of their children and taking revenge on their wives by kidnapping, whereas women tend to use psychological abduction.

 Alienating parents selfishly put their own needs and desires above those of everyone else, including their own children, to fulfill their compulsion to undermine, and even destroy, the other parent. So convinced are they of the righteousness of their position that they are often able to gain the support of friends, lawyers, and doctors, thus reinforcing and perpetuating the alienating behavior.

Typically, the alienating parent (AP) has an agenda for turning his or her child, or children, against the other parent. The motivation for this behavior varies from family to family, and often it is a long-standing aspect of the family dynamic that simply intensifies when the parents separate. Many factors can drive the AP to alienate the target parent (TP), including revenge (often for the hurt experienced by the divorce and/or discovered infidelity), self-righteousness, guilt, fear of loss of the child, jealousy, issues around child support, a family history of abandonment and alienation, and poor self-esteem.

 These motives lead the AP to program, or brainwash, the child into compliance. Three stages to this process are typically followed (Waldron and Joanis, 1996).

 1.      Content Theme Identification. A theme for the alienation that the AP and the child, or children, will share develops. This theme is, for the most part, unrealistic, for example, abandonment or the fear of kidnapping by the targeted parent.

2.      Mood Induction. The AP manipulates the child in order to gain support and sympathy from the child for the AP, and to induce an attitude of rejection toward the TP. Many strategies can be used to this end. For example, blaming the TP for the parents’ separation (“Everything was just fine, I don’t know why your dad left us”); creating an atmosphere of fear around the child’s visits with the TP (“While you are at your mom’s, remember, you can reach me by phone at any time if you need me”); introducing the “truth” about the past (“There are certain things I didn’t want to tell you about your dad before because I didn’t want to upset you, but I think you deserve to hear about them now …”); and threats (“Since you had such a good time at your dad’s, why don’t you just go and live with him. But if you do, just remember, you won’t be seeing me again”).

3.      Reward/Punishment. With repetition, the child begins to comply, gradually declaring that he or she is afraid of visiting the TP and refusing to speak to that parent on the telephone. The AP tests the child’s compliance, rewarding the child for the “right” response to questions, such as declaring that they didn’t enjoy their visit with the other parent and affirming their preference for the AP over the TP.

 If there are any signs of a breakdown, the programming is escalated with exaggerations and new accusations to cause the child to unequivocally reject the TP. Escalation can range from attacking the TP’s character or lifestyle, the TP’s parents and other relatives, or the TP’s new partner, to making false allegations of abuse or neglect by the TP.

 The Targeted Parent (TP)

 Fathers are more likely than mothers to become the targeted parent (TP) in parental alienation syndrome (PAS), especially when there are false accusations of abuse by the alienating parent (AP). The TP may contribute to the process by focusing on the AP, even understanding the pathology of the AP’s behavior, rather than focusing on the needs of the child. Some rejected parents will simply give up and withdraw.

 If the TP is able to maintain regular contact and a healthy relationship with the child, despite the efforts of the AP, then the PAS process will most likely not take hold. However, when the AP persists ruthlessly, playing on the fears, loyalty, and trust of the child, the child’s relationship with the TP, tragically, will be broken.

 Targeted parents of these high-conflict marital separations can experience intense stress, profound feelings of loss and frustration, anxiety, depression, feelings of betrayal, and outrage. When the TP is accused of child abuse, access to the child can be cut off completely, pending an investigation. Court proceedings can go on for months, or years, so that even if the accusation is disproved, valuable time with the child is lost. Not only is the child-parent relationship damaged, but the TP’s personal dignity, reputation, and financial health are also harmed.

 The Child in PAS

 Parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a serious form of child abuse that is destructive to the child’s natural development. The child caught up in this pathological family dynamic suffers from fear of rejection and abandonment by the alienating parent (AP) if they express positive feelings about the targeted parent (TP). The child is brainwashed, manipulated, and psychologically brutalized in the AP’s campaign to discredit the child’s other parent.

 Normally, when parents divorce, the children continue to love and have a relationship with both parents. In high-conflict divorce where PAS is present, the child, or children, in the family experience the loss, not only of the TP, but often two grandparents and the other relatives and friends of the lost parent as well. In addition, the children don’t have the chance to mourn or even acknowledge this loss, and they miss out on the learning, support, and love that normally come from both sides of the family.

 The effect on the child in PAS is always detrimental, and the degree of severity depends on the extent of the brainwashing, the age of the child, the child’s temperament, the length of time the child is aligned with the AP, and the number of support people in the child’s life.

Younger children are more prone to separation anxiety. As they get older, they easily become confused by the alienating tactics of the AP. They begin to tell different stories to each parent, suffer from loyalty conflicts, and by the age of 6 or 7, they feel concern about hurting their parents. Children from 9 to 12 years try to resolve their earlier loyalty conflicts by forming a stronger alliance with the AP, which continues into adolescence. Some teenagers manage to become more objective and independent in their thinking; however, in severe PAS, most are unable to withdraw, and they continue their rejection and denigration of the TP.

 Alienating parents tend to be emotionally dysfunctional. They can be self-centered, chronically angry, paranoid, and depressed. The child aligned to the AP often feels alone, isolated, and responsible for this needy parent, who might also be an alcoholic and/or physically ill. At the same time, the child fears rejection by the AP.

 Children in PAS have as their primary role model a dysfunctional parent and do not have the benefit of being raised by a well-adjusted parent who would enrich their lives. The rejection by the child of the targeted parent can lead, over time, to guilt, shame, self-hatred, depression, and sometimes to thoughts of suicide. Because the child’s developmental needs are not met, he or she becomes emotionally and socially crippled and risks growing up to be an alienator as well.

 Bibliography and Recommended Reading

 Bone, J. Michael, and Walsh, Michael R. (1999). Parental Alienation Syndrome: How to Detect It and What to Do about It. The Florida Bar Journal, 73(3), 44–48. Available at: http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/walsh99.htm (accessed November 5, 2007).

Cartwright, Glenn F. (2002). The Changing Face of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Paper presented at the symposium: The Parliamentary Report for the Sake of the Children, Ottawa: April 5–6, 2002. Available at: http://www.education.mcgill.ca/pain/changingface.htm (accessed November 10, 2007).

Cartwright, Glenn F. (1993). Expanding the Parameters of Parental Alienation Syndrome. American Journal of Family Therapy, 21(3), 205–215. Available at: http://www.education.mcgill.ca/profs/cartwright/papers/pas.htm (accessed November 10, 2007).

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